I think it is only fair in seeking your opinions and questions that I start with sharing my experience. I must at this juncture, apologize to all my exes, the dates that failed to hear from me after the first night, etc. As I share my story, I will be using fictitious names. I know some of you reading this blog, know my identity and to a certain extent know the stories I will be sharing on here. I ask that as it’s important to me to protect the identities of the parties concerned, that you do the same, especially in your comments.
To the people I have hurt, kindly accept my unreserved apology. For many years I’ve lived with this hurt. A conscious decision I made years ago, made it impossible to truly give myself and my heart to any woman.
It is important that at some intervals in our lives, we take stock of the things we've done. Where we notice constant failure, we should seek to find the reasons through our history. It is in identifying and understanding the origin, that we are sincerely able to effect change. Change only comes when we accept the problem; understand its origin and adopt a solution. It is an active acceptance of a need to do things differently. I’ll discuss this much later because I find that if people are able to seriously reflect on their past relationships and the reason(s) they failed, they'd make better decisions in the future. I remain baffled at people who believe they can get a different result from doing the same thing, dating the same type(s) of people, falling for the same tricks, the same weak lines that are spewed. I am sorry but don't expect a different outcome if you continue to do things the same way. It won't happen!
Most people turn out the way they do due to some experience in their past. It could be as a result of what they've seen, heard or have been made to believe. No guy or lady was born a jerk!
I come from a polygamous family but trust me that has nothing to do with my issues with ladies if anything, it has helped me come to certain conclusions about what I want in life. My issues with the ladies started as a result of an encounter I had. It took my coming back to one event in my past to understand why I have had certain issues with women.
During my days in high school, I was really popular…I was known for good and bad. I was a track star, a good dancer and singer. I was also a trouble maker, who had his fair share of suspensions and manual labor. I also had the fortune of dating one of the hottest girls in school. Pamela was hot physically and intellectually. She was my first love. While my mates were smooching their girlfriends, I was preserving the love of my life. I figured there was no need to rush since this was the lady I was going to marry. Whenever she was around me, I was a pile of confusion. Her hold over me was like nothing I had ever experienced before. Our “relationship” continued into our post-high school days. While friends kept trying to push me to initiate sex with her, I kept refusing. Major reason being that she was still a virgin. I wanted her to remain pure, untouched, since in my own little world, she was going to be my wife and there was no rush. About a year after high school, I left the shores of the country to further my education. We made a promise to remain loyal to each other, to keep ourselves. I left the shores of the country with this promise. I wore it as a badge, cleaned it each day and believed in it. Every other week, even if I failed to call my family, I never failed to call Pamela. Her voice was all the soothing I needed in a foreign land, where I hardly knew a soul. I’d go off each call with her, reaffirming our love for each other. That changed on one rainy day I will never forget. I can still picture the phone booth and its location. I had promised to call her on this day and despite the rain, I was determined to keep to that promise. I couldn’t make it to the call center I typically called from so I found a phone booth on my way home. It was raining heavily but that mattered not to me. I craved the voice of Pamela and a promise made was one that I intended to keep. After a few rings, her house help picked up the phone. I asked to speak with Pamela, a few seconds later that sweet voice that melted my heart came on. We spoke for a bit and then she said “I have something to tell you”…I’ll never forget those words…in my excitement (I sincerely have no clue what I was hoping to hear), I asked her to speak….”I gave up my virginity”. Right there and then, my eyes were filled with tears. I walked home under that rain, crying…That second, those words, changed everything in my life from that point…my view of women changed…I vowed I would never find myself in that position again. I immediately built a wall to protect my heart. I set controls. The closer a woman got to me the faster I pushed her away. I have never been able to ask her why and to be frank, I doubt it would have made a difference.
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